Holding My Breath for an Illusion

Once again I find myself lying here
Grasping at the pillow
Buried in the sheets
Don't know how much longer I can wait
I haven't met you
Haven't touch you
I don't even know if you exist
Are you there anywhere
but inside my mind?
Or am I holding my breath for an illusion?
A heart that can love
Without loving anything
Must be destinies for the love that it cries for
But what if I'm not
What if you aren't there?
What if you never come and take me away
Happy endings aside
I need you there
I need someone there so my tears aren't in vain
A man of passion
Of genius, of love
I don't ask for a White Knight, I ask for you
Every flaw
Every scar
A reason for me to love you more
Though it might kill me
I will wait longer
Please, hurry to me. I will die if you don't come.

Maybe

Maybe if
Life was simple
Maybe if you were true
Maybe I could have my way
Maybe I could get through to you
Maybe someday
Maybe now
Maybe, somehow,
You could be
More than just a maybe
To me

The Keeper of the Dead

Too Young

I rack my young brain for answers.
Forming opinions
From the experiences I've got.
It's not easy being here
When half the country is against you.
It's hard to make your judgments
With each side
Spewing lies,
Destroying the process
With their infantile games.

I watch the news,
Heated by debate
And fueled by anger.
Half saying the other is misinformed,
While both of them lie,
Like little children
Haggling for candy.
Cheating, shouting and whining again.
No matter the outcome
The pettiness won't end.
Impassioned, yes
But passion misplaced.
To stand against the populace
But not to be attacked,
Is to stand silent, not heard.

Eighteen years
Is eighteen years too young
For such a decision, some say
Yet you're the ones
Who deny others
Their sacred right
You bully, you tattle and you brag
Like kids on a playground
Playing too rough

But I'm to one who is too young.

Saying the Words

Why did it have come to this?
Everything has fallen into remiss
You say that it will be okay
And it's always different the other way

But saying the words doesn't make it so
And here are things you need to know
Our love for you will never change
But the way you're acting just seems strange

The truth is lost behind the eclipse
As you insert words into our lips
Words of which we don't know how
Saying we don't love you now

But saying the words doesn't make it so
There's still so much that we don't know
This all seems fine from you point of view
Doing things you said you'd never do

Please step out from inside the fog
We never said that you were wrong
You say that things are under control
And you're better off on the whole

But saying the words doesn't make it so
You still have so much more to grow
We're not telling you, that you are bad
But you're wasting everything we had

Try to look at it from where we stand
All we're trying to do is understand
We only question for your own good
When you do things you said you never would

I guess saying the words doesn't make it so
We'll just have to work it out as we go...

So Different Now

Isn't strange how things always change?
Just when you think you have it all figured out
With a simple exchange; a turn of the page
Everything you know is turned inside-out.
I look at you now but I just can't see
That person that I used to know back when
Inseparable friends, you and me
So different now, because that was then

Now I see that you've taken a turn for the worst
Taking dumb chances without weighing the dangers
In everything, now, you jump in head first
Turning close friends into complete strangers
I'm telling you this because I worry for you
These mistakes you've made, you're making again
Repeating the past while you're starting anew
So different now, when that was then

I'm asking you, simply, to look around
And tell me if you approve of your change
Now we sit in darkness, not making a sound
But, in honesty, this all seems rather strange
Please just remember the fun days we had
So somehow we can go back to then
Making everything good out of bad
So 'different now' won't happen again.

Poem to a Blind Man

I tell myself
I'm used to this
When you look at me
but you don't see
You listen to me
but you don't hear
When I call out
for you.
Will you ever
feel
like
me?
And stop being
Blind
Blind to something
so obvious
Until then
I'll wait for that day
That day when you will
See.

My Childhood Lies in Ruins

My childhood lies in ruins
It is the swing that hangs by one chain
And the jungle gym set in pieces on the ground
I watch the weeds grow
They grow around my memories quickly
Covering up the past so easily as time moves on
The playground is overgrown
With grass and dandelions that grow in patches
They were with the younger me before she passed
I want go back to then
When life was simple and fun didn't end
But my childhood is still slipping from my grasp
Recess is over
It been over for years but not forgotten
Now it's gone completely, a memory of happier times
I cry for my loss of time
But I still watch the clock ticking away the days
As my last moments are wasted on wishing for more

I Miss You

It's been two years since I've seen your face
I picture you now but you disappear
Time has darkened your image in my mind
Making what was once vivid, unclear
I wish with all my soul to see you now
But when I try I fail and fall again
Then the despair grips me and I give in
I fall willingly and relive the pain
I left you at sixteen and moved forward
I'm growing up and you are frozen
Stuck in time and in my mind, you live
Forever a freshmen; a could've been

I don't want your memory to fade from me
But the clouds of time are rolling in
And when the rain comes it washes you away
So I must leave you buried within
I watch the time with the eyes of a woman
Years will go by and years have gone
I'm struggle to hold on as the seasons change
Others have left you; they must move on
How can I blame them for leaving so fast?
We are still children after all
And the grief sweeps in as we think of you
So much pain it hurts to recall

Sometimes I want to forget how you died
And just simply think of you
But for some reason, it pains me more
If I try but I can't see you
There are some nights when I've dreamt of you
You hold me while I sit and cry
A small favor given by your midnight visits
But in the morning, another lie
These years have brought on clarity anew
Only love will bring us through
And when the next two years pass me by
Please know, Jared, I miss you

Serenity

I watch as the gentle brook feeds the lake
And I wonder how something so large
Depends on something so small

I smell the scent of fire; burning pine
And I wonder if any aroma could ever
Bring back as sweet of memories

I watch the dragonflies dance on the water
And I wonder if, over the centuries,
Their dance has ever changed

I feel the warm wind against my skin
And I wonder, truly, if what I feel
Is the gentle breath of God

I watch the rocks break the water's flow
And I wonder how long it will take
Before the water breaks the rocks

I take in the world that lay before me
And I wonder if anything could be
More serene or beautiful than this

Home

Each year I go back home
And dream my summer away
It may not be my real address
But it's where you'll find my heart
So what is home but a relative term
For home is where your family is

Each year I meet my family
And play my summer away
They may not be blood related
But they love me just the same
So what is family but a relative term
For a family is people who love

Each year I go where I am loved
And laugh my summer away
They may not have a reason
but they love me anyway
So love is not a relative term
Because when I'm loved I'm home

Giving Back

From the day you're born, people give to you
They give but never take
They smile and cheer and wait for you
They applaud all the progress you make
They watch you grow into the life you live
And as you live you learn
It seems that all they do is give
But get so little in return
You notice how much these people care
And help you become who you are
You know they may not always be there
But they'll never be too far
Because what they give stays with you
And helps you through the years
It makes you want to give some too
And wipe away other's tears
Then you get your chance, one day
To pass on the love you've got
So you help others on their way
And grow to love them a lot
The more you give you come to find
That the ones you love, love back
And with each person that you are kind
You see you get more when giving back

Don't Say Good-bye

It's Graduation day today
When summer ends you'll be on your way
It's hard to believe it's gone so fast
And all of our memories fall into the past
It amazes me to think of next year
Going to classes without having you near
Things won't be the same without you around
And I can't let go of the friendship I've found

So laugh with me; don't say goodbye
Let's stop searching for answers to why
Time moves slow when it should go fast
But speeds so quickly to the day I'll see you last
Could we have just one more year?
Perhaps we could stay forever here
Because the future is blurry; it scares me to see
What life has in store for you and for me

So hit the breaks for a moment; ease up off the gas
Because I don't wanna spend life looking to the past
Let's wait for a moment and take it all in
If we can't then this is a race I don't want to win
I've got all I need with you at my side
So slow down a little; let's try to decide
How we can stretch these moments on
And try to stop the approaching dawn

But in the end; life goes on
And one of these days I know you'll be gone
All I can say is, on that day
When you leave me to find your way
On your own; wherever you roam
I hope you always find your way home
And there I'll be waiting for you, my friend
Just because we're apart doesn't mean this has to end.

For the Graduating Seniors

One Tear Falls

One tear falls; I wipe away before they see
Before they get the chance to see the weakness inside of me
Because of my pride it is so difficult to reveal
It's so hard to show anyone, how I really feel

The heart in my chest may be breaking in two
But you won't ever see me shed a tear or cry in front of you
So I'll bury my feelings deep down inside again
They could resurface but I don't know where or when

I am scared of nothing but I always feel afraid
And from their critical eyes, I am trying to evade
Keeping what lies within me right where it belongs
Speaking to no one of my sad and lovely songs

I wanted to feel nothing and this wish is coming true
That's what happens when I try to hide myself away from you
I guess should feel sadder, now that I am turning numb
But when offered a life unfeeling, it's so easy to succumb

The pain is gone away now but the joy has left me too
I move about like a shadow with my vision all askew
This isn't what I wanted if I could I would feel fear
But I can't so what I'll shed for you is one small, simple tear.

Midnight Soft

Midnight soft is how I love you
Like a secret in the night
Moonlight sweet is how I need you
Whether it be wrong or right

When it's dark outside I hold you
And I'm not ashamed to say
That my heart's longing to touch you
But so quickly comes the day
And as quickly you are gone
When my sky turns pale and light
We are never the same at dawn
As we were that very night

With night time comes my dreams
And I suppose that's what you are
But underneath the moonbeams
I know you're never far
Still when day comes you leave
And I die a little inside
The sun and I are left to grieve
For the moon's love will not bide

On your violin, I watch you play
A tune of love untold
But with sunrise comes the day
And soon the song turns cold
Then all day I lie in waiting
For the sun to fade from view
And as the sunlight starts abating
I make my way to you

Now I've had a revelation
One day I'll let you see
It's not my imagination
And it's not fantasy
One night I will reveal
A love you've never known
I'll prove that what I feel is real
And stop loving on my own

Midnight soft is how I love you
Whether it be day or night
Moonlight sweet is how I need you
In darkness or the light.

About God, the Ocean & the Moon

Each night I look up to the sky
And see the Lord in every star
But for some reason, I know not why
I find him not in the moon afar
I see a face but he looks cold
Up in space the time he bides
Near the ocean rocks so old
Ever changing with the tides
God, for me, does not waver
Like the moon does every night
To me, God is my bless'd savior
An always constant shinning light
But, somehow, it's different now
The closest star seems distant
And though the sun will not allow
My moon turns to a crescent
I move quickly against the waves
Others come but I must go
Past all the people the Lord saves
If I'm one the sun will show
Its futile whispering prayers to the moon
The man speaks not to me
For the night is gone too soon
And then the moon must flee
I realize I am like that sphere
So weary, dark and low
And only when the sun is near
Am I allowed to glow
I revolve around the earth
As the earth goes round the sun
From the moment of my birth
And until my life is done
I'm not afraid of the sea anymore
With the current I am intune
As I wonder, on this distant shore,
About God, the ocean and the moon

Faded Friendships

Childhood friendships dwindle away so fast
Caught beneath the dead hand of the past
It fades like the photos on our shelves
With no one left to blame but ourselves

We didn't know what we'd had until it was gone
And it breaks my heart to see you so withdrawn
Did I ever tell you how sorry I feel?
And all of this, now, seems so unreal

I wish I had been a better friend
But I was too young to comprehend
The terror inside your mind and delve
Into the dark shadows, I was only twelve.

I look at you now and wish I had been there
Perhaps I could lift you from your despair
The loss of childhood, come too soon
As we slept beneath the cold, full moon

There's a wall between us that I can't tear down
So I can save you before you drown
In your thoughts so dreary and dark
By being the lantern; a distant spark.

Is there's nothing I can do for you now?
Lost friend, if there is please tell me how
Because I miss the way we used to be
When you would smile and hold hands with me

But those days are gone forever it seems
For you are haunted by your dreams
And I was too immature to understand
Instead of running I should've held your hand

These are the Good Old Days

These days nostalgia is lost on me
I live for now instead of what will be
Too happy to look back on yesterday
I wish we could stay forever this way
Such beautiful moments go by too fast
Seconds, minutes and hours slip past
Until all are gone; the day will end
Knowing tomorrow you'll still be my friend
Together up to the stars we gaze
Singing, "These are the good old days"

When I'm with you I'm never judged
I'm beside you when my makeups smudged
My hairs in a mess and my jeans are torn
Others look at me to frown and scorn
But you stand by and hold my hand
I can always count on you to understand
But the sand keeps falling in the hour glass
And what is now, too soon will pass
Years will speed by, leaving us in a daze
All the while singing, "These are the good old days"

The time of our parting draws on apace
So I'll smile with you and save your place
Forever if need be until you come home
From wherever it is you've chosen to roam
And though these tears may fall from my eyes
I always knew we'd have to say our goodbyes
I have no regrets though it hurts me so
To look back on so long ago
So one last time, under the sun's warm rays,
We'll be singing, "These are the good old days"



For Page

History Repeating

Like an echo from my past
You step through the door
Oh so eager to start again
To turn me into your whore
It's all been done before,
This emotional beating
That's just the game you like
To play; of history repeating

I've broken free from you before
By loosing your hold
And even in doing so
The thought has made me cold
I had learned to live with you
When all happiness is fleeting
And now your back to your
Old game; of history repeating

But now it's time to break the cycle
This cycle that’s breaking my heart
But now I see that the only time I'm happy
Is whenever we're apart
Because I'm sick of all the shit you pull
All the lying, threats and cheating
It looks like I won your
Stupid game; of history repeating

I Know Me

I'm so sick of us being like this
You feel nothing unless we kiss
You just stand there and bite your lip
What the hell is wrong with our relationship?
Screw the rhymes
Tetrameters bore me
I 'm just going tell you the truth
Because I'm tired of being someone else
I'm tired of lying to myself
And sorry for lying to you
The truth is I hate red roses
And to me violets seem purple
Isn't that why they call them violets
And as for sugar; it's not always sweet
Like me
I like to play dress up once-in-awhile
But these heels are killing me
And I never sit right in a skirt
While I'm at it I might as well
Come clean
I use unscented soup in the shower
Who likes the smell of papaya and kiwi anyway?
If it was up to me I’d cut my nails short
And throw out the polish
It's a pain in the ass to paint over chips
I guess you could call me humble
Because I'd rather be outside
Than in the mall
And I'm not the type of girl, who crushes on every guy
But you're special
I've never been the romantic type
But since I've met you
Love songs make sense
And I must admit; as embarrassing as it is
Each night I spray your brand of cologne
On my pillow
Because it reminds me of you
So look at me without the make-up
And my hair part wavy; part straight
Can you love me as I am?
I know it's unfair
To you and to me
For me to continue with this stupid façade
I know that I love you
So I'm leaving the decision to you
Love me or break me
I know myself well enough to take the news
And continue on
No matter what the answer

Tell Me How You Feel

Why can't I just break though your walls?
And find out who you really are.
I wish you would give me one chance,
But you always said I wish too much.
If only you would you take the time
To drop those lies and let me see.
You've got me twisted but I don't why.
You're messing with my head
So I can't even trust myself anymore.
Please just tell me how you feel.
Though we may be holding hands,
I'm still left a distance from you heart.
Sometimes I think you say those lies
So much you started believing them too.
What if I turned the tables on you?
Would you be able to stay away?
I wonder if you know that you’re my life,
And without you I wither and die.
When we talk I feel like I'm drowning.
Before I can get a breath,
The wave crashes down again.
Only you can save me now.
Even a few words will suffice
Please just tell me how you feel.